My parents told me that when I was little, I would wake up early in the morning, recite the Lords prayer and then sing all the songs I knew over and over until they got out of bed.
I remember being maybe 5 or 6, and every night my mom would take a bath and I would sit on the toilet singing to her. Bless her patient heart, she never once told be to bugger off and leave her in peace. I would sing all the songs in my repertoire, and when I was done, I would start all over again. I loved to sing!
When I got a little older, I auditioned for the school play. We were doing "Joshua" from the bible and I so badly wanted my chance at a solo. I still remember the song.
"Josh-u-Joshua, be very bold, be strong in the Lord cause he's a might God. Every place you put your foot down in the promised land, it's yours, it's yours, it's yours."
I ended up being cast as an old peasant lady. Never mind a solo, I was only on stage for one song, and put so far to the right I might as well have been in the wing. We were recording a CD that year for the parents and I remember being at the recording studio, I was belting out my lines with all the soul I could muster. We kept doing take after take after take, and eventually our music teacher, Mrs Rogers came to me and asked me to
"sit this round out". That happened to be the final take! I was so disappointed, my name was on the credit list, but I never even got a chance to sing on the tape.
As I got older I would hear it more and more "Your voice is even worse than mine." or "Wow, you sing really badly" or "Maybe you should stick with dancing". My personal favorite, "Singing just isn't for everyone." Ummm....Yes it is! If you have a voice, even a 'bad' voice, SING!!!!!
I developed such shame around my singing. From being something that brought me such joy, I became so embarrassed by my voice. I think that when I started shutting down my singing voice, my other voice followed. I was still a chatterbox, but there was a part of my confidence, my magic that wasn't the same.
My mom tells stories of me talking to strangers when I was really little. If I saw an old lady, I would say "Hello Granny". I would dance for anyone willing to watch, and sing to anyone willing to listen.
Fast-forward 20something years to today. In January of this year, I started to become friendly with my singing voice again in Pedro's class. For so many years I was ashamed of my voice and finally I had a safe place to sing. I was really uncomfortable at first, singing Hare Krishna songs with a bunch of strangers, but I have come to LOVE kirtan. There is something so freeing about singing in a strange language, with a group of people that would never tell you to sing quietly or to "sit this round out".
Thank you to all my teachers that chant, I now sing all the time at home and might eventually have the courage to lead a song in one of my own classes.
There are no bad voices in this world, only bad listeners.
Have a beautiful weekend.
xoxoxox.
Jacqui.
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